I looooove a good epiphany. You know, those huge “a-ha, I get it now” moments that come in and out of our lives, when everything that didn’t make sense a moment ago, somehow now actually does.

There was a time in my Twenties when I was a care-free spirit. I would light candles on my Mom’s patio when the sun went down and do yoga on our back deck. I would load my playlist with music from artists like Air and Moby and jog through nature trails near my apartment at the time, taking in the fresh air and the beauty that nature brings. I would stay up late most nights painting, letting my mind and my paintbrushes take me wherever they both wanted to go. I was in-shape, confident, and at peace.

I have really come to really miss that person – the person I was before I allowed failed relationships get to me, before I allowed the daily grind and stress of my career fog up my view of what is really important to me – the person I want to be again.

The past ten years have been more and more pre-occupied with finding my perfect (there’s that fucking word again that I hate) job and a relationship to satisfy my feelings of worth, and less occupied with doing the little things in life that used to bring me joy, simply by just being. I have exhausted a lot of time, energy, and tears into fighting against the Universe for things that I wanted, now realizing that there was a pretty big reason why those things may not have come to fruition.

Recently, a career opportunity passed me by that I was hoping for, and actually counting on, to make all my woes disappear. I thought, “If I just made more money, if I really loved my co-workers, or if I didn’t have to commute 2.5 hours a day, I would be so much happier.” Soon after the moment I was informed that the opportunity I wanted wasn’t written in the stars, the moment finally came when I snapped out of it. It only took about ten years to realize, but an epiphany came instead, that was written in the stars.

I decided that I needed to let work be work, and utilize the time outside of it to start taking care of my mind and body, and stop exhausting my energy into searching for a new job, another career path, a relationship, or whatever else it was I feel I needed. I decided to be grateful for the job I already have, and be thankful that it allows me to pay my bills. I decided that my coworkers and I don’t have to be my besties, we just have to treat one another with respect and take care of our responsibilites. As for my commute, well that still sucks, but I now appreciate the time to myself to zone out and think about what I may want to write, or what other creative projects I want to get started on.

And you know what, once I made the conscious decision that I was going to focus on just me, instead of my job and relationships – things started to shift. That night when I got home, was the night I wrote my very first blog post. The following week things got better at work, a coworker be-friended me, and I started feeling okay about it again. This past weekend, I painted my office (a step closer to canvas), bought a yoga mat (a step closer to yoga class), and uploaded tunes on my iPod (a step closer to gearing up for a good jog).

I’m no longer choosing to worry about where my career takes me, or whether or not I will meet someone – those things no longer have the power to bring me happiness. Instead, I choose to focus on finding me again – the girl I once really loved – and that is where I will find peace. It’s really difficult for me to stay still and just be in whatever circumstance I am in that isn’t fulfilling me or stressing me out – to not make yet another change. Though I didn’t shift anything in my day-to-day routine, I shifted my perspective, and so far it looks like that was all I needed to do, at least for the time being.

A friend once told me, if you are finding that the grass is greener on the other side, then start watering your own lawn. I have some major landscaping to do with my life, but it is a step in the right direction. Slowly but surely, I am also finding that if you have to fight so fucking hard for something, or someone – anything – that just isn’t working, then the universe may be trying to tell you something, even if it isn’t what you want to hear. So maybe we should start listening a little closer to it, we may find some answers.

Song of the Blog:
Porcelain  |  Moby  |  1999