I was listening to a podcast the other night before I went to bed, and it talked a little bit about letting go of, and forgiving ourselves for mistakes that we’ve made in the past.

I think this is definitely an area of my life that I struggle with now, way more than I ever did before. I carry some pretty heavy burdens of decisions I’ve made, and (way more than I should) often think of what if I did or didn’t do this, or said this instead of that—re-playing specific scenarios in my head—daydreaming of different outcomes. Particular ones that come up in my mind are those regarding relationships, big choices about moving or starting new jobs, moments of disagreement with my Mom, and thinking of how I could have changed major life paths to allow me to have spend more time with her.

Of course this is completely unproductive, and it is utterly impossible to hit the rewind button and change certain moments of your life so that things turn out differently. I try so hard to be present, and though I’m physically in my current state right here, my mind almost always never is along with me.

When I am really content, and truly happy, my mind doesn’t go back. But in times when I struggle to find peace within my current circumstances, that is when my thoughts are my own worst enemy. For the most part, I’ve been in this limbo state for about almost 3 years now. After my Mom passed, I lost certainty in almost everything. And in search of it, I lost way more than just that.

During the last few months of her life, when seeking my Mom’s advice on something, part of her response was always, “No regrets.”

Perhaps before she died, I didn’t consider that I had many. I mean, I had made some general mistakes, but who didn’t? It wasn’t until after she was gone, that this started to weigh heavier on my shoulders. For the first time, I started admitting to myself that some of them were actually some pretty big whoppers—and I started to regret just about everything.

So I struggle with that, a lot. I know I am way too hard on myself, putting a lot of pressure on my shoulders, and having difficulty letting go of things I cannot change. Maybe this is all just part of the beginning process of healing from things maybe you hadn’t dealt with the moment you actually experienced something. I don’t know, but I am trying to figure it out—and it’s a slow process.

Nothing can erase or alter your past, and there aren’t enough self-help, positivity-focused, life-coaching podcasts in this world that could talk you into forgiving yourself if you aren’t quite ready. You can say that you do, and say that you’ll let things go, but how do you really? I guess that’s what I am in search of…

It’s crazy to think of how much support, and unconditional love I can give to family and friends, reassuring them that everything happens for a reason, or that they did the best they could in their circumstance. But when I try to say those same things to myself, it’s just so much harder to believe. I guess I thought that by 36 I would really have my shit together, but I am still a work in progress—and maybe I always will be.

So this is where my head is at today, and hope I am not the only one that still feels a little uncertain sometimes…

Song of the Blog:
If I Could Turn Back Time  |  Cher  |  circa 1989