With Mother’s Day fast-approaching this past weekend, unlike the majority of my friends who were busy planning outings with their Mom’s and/or children of their own, I un-purposely forgot to give it a second thought. For some reason, I always think that it is at the end of May, so it wasn’t until a day or two beforehand that I actually realized what I was about to be in for—a day that is a little more sad than celebratory, for a woman who is without both mother and child.

But as the day itself arrived, to my surprise, it started out pretty nice as my brother delivered me a home-cooked breakfast in bed in honor of my being a kick-ass fur-baby-mama to 4 cats and a dog. And I continued the afternoon trying not to put the pressure of what the day represented on my shoulders. There were only a few moments where I allowed myself to feel the sorrow—in the midst of visiting my Grandma (which was her Mother, and is now 96, bless her heart), and while paying tribute to my Mom at the cemetery where she is buried nearby. That second one is never an easy task to take on.

So, I held my shit together, and did it well. I did just fine. Until today.

You see, when I end up getting through something without being overly-emotional, that only means that there has been a delay in my response time. And that means that shit will hit the fan when I least expect it. I know now that everything that would normally just be a mild irritant to me, will soon become the thing that sets me off on a pissy rant that will first encourage anger, then overwhelm, and then tears. And even though I know it’s coming, I never expect it. If that even makes sense?

Well, that was today. Today, I got pissed. Today, I got angry seeing the Mom and Daughter photos on Facebook that are still floating along in cyberspace. Today, I let myself bury my head in my pillow and cry.

I think when you hear of someone losing a Mom, and time goes by, it is normal to think that it will get easier for them at some point. But when it’s you—and it’s YOUR Mom, YOUR best friend, YOUR rock, and YOUR number one fan—I am here to tell you that it just isn’t the case. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about her for what seems like a million times a day. I need her more now than ever, and yet I only have my own strength to get me through the tough times—strength that I am fortunate though to have because she gave it to me.

I have so much left un-said, so much I still need to say. And sure, although I can talk to another friend or family member, or talk to her spirit out loud, it is just not the same—and I can’t pretend that it ever will be.

I know that this post is half rant, and half heart-felt tribute, but I just needed to get it out. That’s what blogging does for me these days—like when it feels like my soul is on fire to say something there is a release I get when I put it out to the world—a release that I used to have all the time when I was just able to talk my way through life with Nancy Lou. You know the feeling when you just can’t wait to talk to someone, and you have this undeniable feeling of urgency with something to say like right now or you’ll burst? The best way I can describe not being able to communicate with my Mom is like having that feeling all the time, but without an outlet.

I am grateful though that I write this blog, because it helps me feel just a little bit better under certain circumstances that I’m unable to change. Releasing the chaotic energy, while connecting with others on this crazy-ass rollercoaster called life, really does help. Today’s subliminal message is to love, adore and hug your Mom as often as you can, and to tell and show her know how much she means to you—because take it from me that a world without your Mom is an abundantly empty one.

Song of the Blog:
Slipped Away | Avril Lavigne | circa 2004