For almost as long as I can remember, all I have ever wanted is just to be happy. And even though I knew that’s what I desperately sought after, I had no real clue of what that really meant or looked like for me. For years, I made major strides trying to figure out what would give me that feeling, so I transferred colleges, re-located cities, moved to different apartments, got new jobs, started and ended relationships—the list goes on—and I always ended up back at square one with the same thought… “This is it? I thought this would make me feel happier?”

As happiness seemed to appear one day, and be gone the next, I finally decided what I really wanted (and greatly needed) was to simply feel content with my current circumstances.

Unlike happiness, I actually knew what being content looked like for me. It meant not wanting to bolt and run away from my life, not wanting to do the next big thing because I didn’t feel good where I was at, and not feeling stuck. I knew in order to give this a shot I needed to not make any major decisions for a while and just let things unfold naturally and see what happens without all of the pressure to figure it out, Which is so not like me. At all.

So that’s what I did. And this is what happened…

Almost a year after starting a new job and getting settled in as I learned the ropes, I can actually say that I enjoy it. Sure, the commute sucks, and there are days that are crappy when things don’t go right—just as they do in every job, in every city, for every person—but I am not searching for my job to fulfill my heart and soul anymore, and that certainly does take the pressure off. My job allows me to pay my bills, do what I went to school for, and to hang with cool people everyday while I build a great portfolio. I’m content.

After hitting a financial brick wall last year, I moved in with my brother into my Mom’s house. At first I felt ashamed, like I was a failure and that moving back to my hometown from Columbus was the biggest mistake of my life. But now, 8 months later, I am truly okay with it. With Chad’s company I don’t feel so lonely, and I get to see my nephews all the time, who light up my life. I’m content.

I’m still single, have yet to be married, and don’t have any children of my own (at least the human kind)—and I am okay with that, for the first time ever. My life doesn’t have to look like everyone else’s. I don’t have to have any of those things to be happy, because I don’t even know if those are things I truly want deep down. I’m content.

I don’t know what’s going to happen, a year from now life could be completely different. I could decide to move closer to my job in Cleveland, I could still be living back home, or could even be in a serious relationship—who the hell knows! But, for now, it is a new and peaceful feeling that I don’t want to run away from myself or my life at the moment.

I still have my bad days among the good ones, but have learned to appreciate what I have while I have it, in my current state. Just about every day I laugh and smile, and I couldn’t say that I’ve done consistently for a long time now. I love that my friends and family close by, am getting on track with feeling better about myself physically and making efforts to get back in shape.

So, yes, for now I’m content knowing that it’s all still a work in progress.

And it feels goooood.

Song of the Blog:
So Far Away | Staind | circa 2003